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the simple decision to make the jump was a lot simpler than I thought.

This was based from the simple fact that I decided to delete an old email addy that I had for the simple reason that I kept it open for a guy. Rollercoaster guy to be exact.

If you've read the previous posts on here then you'll know that it's been an ongoing "thing" for a long time now. Too long maybe. So the last situation in which we hadn't talked in over a few months, there was a lot going on in his life so he ran to me. I should have been used to this by now, his coming and going. I should just get "doormat" as my next tattoo so everyone else knows . . .

Well he hunted me down through every social network until I answered, in which we startede chatting again . . . yeah . . . like I told you "doormat" is my name. So for a little bit we were emailing each other and talking. Not too much rehashing since we do that enough but just talking I guess and again he has gone AWOL.

He mentioned that he was moving closer to where I'm at but that was weeks ago and just after he promised that he was going to do this, he did. He did it again to quote Brittney.

The only difference is that this time, I knew and felt it. I knew that somewhere along this plan of his that we can be friends, that he'd just disappear and so I figured that I can do the same thing. Maybe me disappearing from his life will be a good change for him so I went ahead and deleted the email addy that he had; the only one I gave him so it was easy.

That was a lot easier than I thought it would be; to delete the only connection I had with him but I guess that connection ended a long time when he first broke my heart.

a few nights

away from all of this and it feels weird to come online. I stayed away for my own good since I have a tendency to stay on four hours as I go through all my social outlets; Facebook, Myspace, Tumbler and god knows how many more plus not to mention the blog and this. It's a little crazy to think how much info we all put out there for everyone to read but that's on us when we start getting those weird trolling type of people to come and think they can type whatever about us on the web. It's so our own fault sometimes.

The only reason I even brought it up is because I've got a dear friend that it's happening to and it just upset me. Maybe because she's younger and she's deserving of a little happiness and if this new relationship gives it to her and she wants to share it, well she should be able to you know. She should be able to shout out for everyone and their mother to hear it because its new, great in that i can't sleep, eat, think of nothing type of way that the rush of love gives us.

Love will do that won't it?

Gives us this rush of feeling, that how could I have lived without this type of rush? I loved that feeling. I loved knowing that I had someone that I could talk with and touch for no reason other than that I could because I loved him because somewhere along the way we became a couple and I wanted that connection.

I miss that.

Writer's Block: The Summer Hit

Which song will be the summer hit played at beaches and backyard BBQs everywhere?

I'm thinking "California Girls" by Katy Perry. It's already all over the radio so why not into the rest of summer?

that rollercoaster I tell you . . .

There's something about being on a rollercoaster; the wind tunneling through your hair, your heart speeds up as the car gains speed, your stomach drops when the car starts to tunnel down and spiral across the night sky and you come to back to the track. Now you ask yourself, should I stay or should I go?

That's my issue right now.

I mentioned a while back about this relationship that is exactly that: a rollercoaster. He brings me up and then spirals me down over and over again. I honestly thought that last October was the end of my ride. I posted something about it at the time and I really was devastateded and just so broken that I just wanted off of the goddamn thing so badly.

I was so numb and worked really hard to not let it show since very few people know about the history between me and this kid and I thought I finally had it all under control. I moved on or as far as I could with the way I was feeling. I know he sure did move fast . . . on the next girl that he "loved" because he proposed to her in a matter of months where all I got was an email every so often, a phone call every blue moon and a written letter whenever it showed up.

The thing about all this is that being on social networks like these, just makes it so much easier for him to find me and weasel his way back in and right now I'm so on the fence about all this. I've got my head telling me to drop it all and just move on. Get my act together and on to someone else but a piece of my heart, that one piece that's held on to him this whole time tells me otherwise.

Traitor that it is, wants to rethink the whole thing, wants to understand the whole reason as to who, what, when, where and why but I know him and he won't give all the details to me. He never once did tell me everything which probably got us to where we are. Things would disrupt in his life and he always turned to me.

Maybe it's a complex of sorts; you know like a hero complex, where he comes to me and I save him. Talk about role-reversal but that's what tends to happen and maybe that's what this all is. He didn't love me like he said, otherwise he would have proposed to me at some point in this 7 year thing right? So maybe it's all just a great big game, where here I come to save him from himself, others, his addictions.

I'm wondering if he ever really thought about me and how I'd feel about having to be at his disposal to save him when all I want is for someone to come save me every once in a while . . .

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